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Stars: Emma Roberts, Shanika Warren-Markland, Ophelia Lovibond, Tamsin Egerton, Noel Clarke, Mandy Patinkin, Kevin Smith, Adam Deacon, Sean Pertwee, Ashley 'Bashy' Thomas, Ben Miller, Helen McCrory

Director: Noel Clarke, Mark Davis

For the record, the title translates as “Four girls, three days, two cities, one chance…” The girls are Emma Roberts (a token American included in the hope she might give the movie some sort of appeal in the States?), Shanika Warren-Markland (tough, lesbian), Ophelia Lovibond (traditional tormented teenager) and Tamsin Egerton (sexy, blonde, well off). The three days are self-explanatory, covering the time the story takes to collapse on screen but seeming more like three limping months to watch, and the two cities include London (where most of the action takes place).

And the one chance? In my view that’s the best chance of finding anybody who would be willing to pay to see the mess concocted by writer and director Noel Clarke who also appears on screen and who claims to have written the screenplay in one month. I find it hard to believe that it could have taken him that long given the result, a tatty heist caper that recalls Tarantino at his worst and plunges the Fab Four into a nightmare of fear and violence when they unwittingly become involved with the hoodlums who have pulled off a major diamond heist.

It’s certainly foul-mouthed enough to ensure a screening on Channel 4 where, at least, you would be able to switch channels after a couple of minutes. I found it increasingly hard to work out why I was sitting through this messy misfire but even harder to figure out what an actor of the stature of Mandy Patinkin would be doing appearing in it. Perhaps he figured the film would largely be as unseen as it deserves. And as for Kevin Smith’s alleged ‘performance’ as a fat man with a beard, I pray I will finally be able to erase it from my memory. The film too.

Alan Frank

UK 2010. UK Distributor: The Works (Universal). Technicolor.
117 minutes. Widescreen. UK certificate: 15.

Guidance ratings (out of 3): Sex/nudity 2, Violence/Horror 2, Drugs 2, Swearing 3.

Review date: 28 May 2010