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My Last Five Girlfriends

0/10

Stars: Brendan Patricks, Naomie Harris, Jane March, Kelly Adams, Edith Bukovics, CÚcile Cassel, Michael Sheen, Johnny Ball, Sara Poyzer

Director: Julian Kemp

No words of mine could convey how terrible and soporific this experience is. A young Michael Caine might almost have saved the day; as it is we have to make do with the blank-faced Patricks as the guy who's boring us to death by telling us about his last five girlfriends.

Watching paint dry would be almost preferable to the numbing 87 minutes that follows, as Patricks details his totally uninteresting encounters with a series of girls, the best of whom are Adams as Wendy and March - once the 'sinner from Pinner' - as Olive. Alas, they're also the first two, as things go downhill from dull-but-maybe-it'll-get-better, to truly desperate.

The director has a few ideas about livening it up, but none of them amount to much, and the leading man is as bland as a vanilla ice cream. A true disaster.

David Quinlan

UK 2009. UK Distributor: Paramount. Colour.
87 minutes. Widescreen. UK certificate: 12A.

Guidance ratings (out of 3): Sex/nudity 0, Violence/Horror 0, Drugs 0, Swearing 1.

Review date: 16 Mar 2010