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King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Stars: Charlie Hunnam, Jude Law, Astrid Berges-Frisbey, Djimon Hounsou, Aidan Gillen, Mikael Persbrandt, Eric Bana, Annabelle Wallis, Peter Ferdinando, Kingsley Ben-Adir, Geoff Bell, Freddie Fox, Craig McGinlay, Lorraine Bruce, Eline Powell
Director: Guy Ritchie
You would be justified if you had assumed the distributors would have released this $175 million mediaeval mishmash on Thursday 23rd November.
Why?
Because thats Thanksgiving Day in the United States and the public is already well prepared for turkeys - and turkeys dont come much plumper than Ritchies trashy take on the much-filmed legend.
King Arthur has long been a cinematic staple for live-action and Disney animation and featuring, among others, Richard Harriss warbling monarch, Cedric Hardwicke, Mel Ferrer, Sean Connery and Clive Owen as the Camelot legend.
The results were mixed but at least all the previous portrayers were spared director Ritchies overexcited and underwhelming treatment - here the credits inform us that this is A GUY RITCHIE FILM and confirm his guilt by crediting him as producer and cowriter with Joby Harold and Lionel Wigram.
Here Laws evil Vortigern (whose stagey performance is surely destined for an Oscar for Leading Luvvie) seizes the crown after Arthurs father is murdered, leaving the once and future king (who was born in a brothel) to escape, grow up in geezer-infested Londonium and then fulfill his destiny by drawing the fabled sword Excalibur from its stone and setting out to sort out Law and murderous minions
Given the crass dialogue and mostly pantomime performances, the films one saving grace are the award-worthy special effects that create spectacle ad-lib, including massive armies in bloody conflict, unlikely vistas, tentacle terrors and, improbably, giant elephants who kick castles to pieces.
Be thankful you never lived in Ritchies Ancient Englande.
But it would take far more than the most talented creators of movie magic could achieve to make David Beckhams excruciatingly risible turn as a Cockney soldier who eggs Arthur on to try his hand at pulling the enchanted sword from the story anything other than unforgettably embarrassing. Despite the unmistakeable evidence, auteur Ritchie is quoted as saying Beckham is a talented actor.
Hunnam is a good actor and does his best to make Ritchies Arthur memorable but, in truth, he lacks that unique star charisma that so many movie greats used to add mustard to ham and might have saved the show; while to name the hard-working supporting actors would be unfair.
So cinematic spectacle steals a show that, in truth, isnt really worth stealing.
In line with other Ritchie legends such as Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch and Rocknrolla, Cockney geezers fill the supporting roles with accents which, like Ray Winstones in Beowulf, seem more than a tad out of place in the days of King Arthur.
Still, thats Show Business, along with the giant bats, huge pachyderms, massive multi-tentacled creatures and other unlikely inhabitants of Merrie England conjured up by Ritchie and his movie magicians.
Many lines of dialogue (yes, taken out of context of course but sadly all-too-appropriate in the circumstances!) sum up the film far better than I could.
How about the early Whats going on?. Whats this all about?. Youre giving me a headache or I feel a joke coming on. (I must have missed it).
Then theres I need someone going to tell me where were going? and, a thought likely to be shared by many paying moviegoers, I want to get my arse out of here.
Berges-Frisbeys improbable witch/clairvoyant sums the film up neatly when she states It will show you all the things you dont want to see and when Hunnam finally states Im going down the hole now, the film itself has long ago beaten him to it.
Early on someone asks How do you get money out of Vikings? An effective way might be to let the Vikings into the cinema free and then make them pay and pay heavily too to be allowed to leave before King Arthur: Legend of the Sword ends.
P.S. Steven Mnuchin, one of the film's several producers, has been confirmed as US Treasury Secretary. Now THAT'S Show Business!
Alan Frank
USA 2017. UK Distributor: Warner Brothers. Colour by ACES.
126 minutes. Widescreen. UK certificate: 12A.
Guidance ratings (out of 3): Sex/nudity 1, Violence/Horror 2, Drugs 0, Swearing 1.
Review date: 20 May 2017