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Vampires Suck
Stars: Matt Lanter, Jenn Proske, Chris Riggi, Diedrich Bader, Ken Jeong, Kelsey Ford, Anneliese Van De Pol, Arielle Kebbel
Director: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Pallid blood-drinker Lanters line, Hearing you breathe is the greatest gift Ive ever received is instantly followed by Proske breaking wind in his face, neatly summing up a lewd, crude and deliberately disgusting satirical comedy that is about as subtle and as tasteful as Ross and Brand on a telephone answering machine. Writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzers tacky take on the Twilight blockbusters follows in the thumping footsteps of such similar spoofs as Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans.
The plot has teenage loner Proske coming to live in a strange small town in Washington State where a homeless man holds a sign saying Will Work for Blood, the local dentist advertises fanged teeth and the population is being reduced by vampires. At the local high school (Home of the Bloodsuckers) she meets tall, pale and handsome vampire Lanter (whose piled-up hairdo makes him scarily resemble Robert Pattinson) and its love at first bite except of course, gentlemanly Lanter refuses to sink his fangs into eager neck. Throw in Proskes would-be suitor Riggi, a hunky lycanthrope who scratches his head with foot and supernatural squabbles and the results are predictably crass and sometimes regrettably funny.
It is crass, coarse and corny and patently not a good film (although newcomer Proskes cruel take on Kristen Stewart is a small gem of accurately-aimed cruelty). But neither were its predecessors Date Movie et al. If you enjoyed these send-ups and are not in search of intellectual stimulus, you could well find yourself smiling and even laughing against your better judgment.
And if you find the infectious twee-ness of the Twilight films rather too much to stomach, Vampire Sucks offers a welcome if disgraceful corrective. Critically it's dead in the water, of course, but as the history of the cinema perfectly proves, what do critics know? I know I laughed a lot more than I should have and feel appropriately guilty as a result
Alan Frank
USA 2010. UK Distributor: 20th Century Fox. Colour.
82 minutes. Widescreen. UK certificate: 12A.
Guidance ratings (out of 3): Sex/nudity 1, Violence/Horror 2, Drugs 0, Swearing 0.
Review date: 12 Oct 2010