Complete A-Z list

Vampires Suck


Stars: Matt Lanter, Jenn Proske, Chris Riggi, Diedrich Bader, Ken Jeong, Kelsey Ford, Anneliese Van De Pol, Arielle Kebbel

Director: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer

Pallid blood-drinker Lanter’s line, “Hearing you breathe is the greatest gift I’ve ever received” is instantly followed by Proske breaking wind in his face, neatly summing up a lewd, crude and deliberately disgusting ‘satirical’ comedy that is about as subtle – and as tasteful – as Ross and Brand on a telephone answering machine. Writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer’s tacky take on the ‘Twilight’ blockbusters follows in the thumping footsteps of such similar spoofs as ‘Scary Movie’, ‘Date Movie’, ‘Epic Movie’ and ‘Meet the Spartans’.

The plot has teenage loner Proske coming to live in a strange small town in Washington State where a homeless man holds a sign saying ‘Will Work for Blood’, the local dentist advertises fanged teeth and the population is being reduced by vampires. At the local high school (“Home of the Bloodsuckers”) she meets tall, pale and handsome vampire Lanter (whose piled-up hairdo makes him scarily resemble Robert Pattinson) and it’s love at first bite – except of course, gentlemanly Lanter refuses to sink his fangs into eager neck. Throw in Proske’s would-be suitor Riggi, a hunky lycanthrope who scratches his head with foot and supernatural squabbles and the results are predictably crass and sometimes regrettably funny.

It is crass, coarse and corny and patently not a good film (although newcomer Proske’s cruel take on Kristen Stewart is a small gem of accurately-aimed cruelty). But neither were its predecessors ‘Date Movie’ et al. If you enjoyed these send-ups and are not in search of intellectual stimulus, you could well find yourself smiling and even laughing against your better judgment.

And if you find the infectious twee-ness of the Twilight films rather too much to stomach, ‘Vampire Sucks’ offers a welcome – if disgraceful – corrective. Critically it's dead in the water, of course, but as the history of the cinema perfectly proves, what do critics know? I know I laughed a lot more than I should have and feel appropriately guilty as a result

Alan Frank

USA 2010. UK Distributor: 20th Century Fox. Colour.
82 minutes. Widescreen. UK certificate: 12A.

Guidance ratings (out of 3): Sex/nudity 1, Violence/Horror 2, Drugs 0, Swearing 0.

Review date: 12 Oct 2010